I am what I am,
All imperfections included…
from my #WHOOPWHOOP’S,
to my pain, sorrow and sadness…
I am what I am,
because of the journey that was placed before me from imprisonment by cruel sick criminals, rapes, molestation, abuse, physical, mental and emotional…which tore my soul apart… always questioning,
why does everyone always hurt my heart?

I am what I am,
because of all my challenges both good and bad…
I’ve learned to own them, live and sooth them… they will always
be apart of my story…
I used to hide away, never draw attention near,
always afraid that I was not
worthy of anything good at all.
I had so much fear!

But, one day I realized that I unlike no other still had a heart of gold, no one could kill, destroy or quiet…
I am pretty much a storm…
So, I began to speak my heart and outside influences would laugh,
I was told your strange,
you’ll never be a thing other than a victim, a failure, not much of anything…
I with great pride and confidence said, “I am what I am “, “I’m Cathy with a “C”, and “I like me, I’m loving,
I’m caring,  I’m empathetic to all,
a beautiful sight to see”…
“I’m expressive, animated, silly and different, I am uniquely me”.

So think, before you judge me.
I feel sorry for you.
To carry so much hatred must
do a lot of harm to you.
I’ll continue to be me.
I know God has big plans,
as I’m one who has the ability to touch a lot of hearts and have been there a victim a broken and wounded heart.
So please don’t let your past dictate tomorrow.
Aren’t you tired of living in this sorrow?
So..  I am what I am today,
everyday can be a brand new start!

Written by,
Cathy Kean





Lies so much brokenness, pain and damage hidden from all, she’s tried to reach out but, no one has payed attention at all…
So many words which echo and wounded her soul, you are not good enough,
not pretty enough,
not smart enough,
Why are you even here? Your a failure to all…
No one wants you, you can disapper no one will miss you at all.
So many scars from hands placed upon it she’s been violated, beaten and more.
Which have cried more than most, they have seen so much hatred from those she trusted most… feeling as if they were right.
Why don’t they really see her? She’s been hurting so deep.
She’s been wanting
to go while she sleeps,
never to wake up and put an end to all the emptiness, anguish, judgements from all… which torment her daily she just wants some peace and get away from it all…
Oh no, someone is coming …
So, she will put on her mask now and play her role for you all…
Pretending to be happy, complete, a servant to all…
She plays this role well, putting a smile on her face while living in the purest of hell…
So, before you judge another person, please remember these words!
Strength,  beauty and character can be beaten out of us all…
Be kind to each other
for you have no idea the
story their journey at all…
You can be the difference between them really living or not wanting to at all…
Written by,
Cathy Kean

Just the first of many!

I will never be… or even be able to come close to performing, functioning and having the mind-set I once did prior to this horribly debilitating illness… It causes me extreme depression… frustration and sadness… Those of us who suffer with Fibromyalgia, Lupus, Arthritis, Endometriosis, MS etc. or the combination. We live our lives however, our standard of living is incredibly compromised!
The individuals we once were no longer exist and part of you (me/us) dies. That person that was able to go to work, engage with family, friends, interact with life and sustain a sense of normalcy is gone.
I am always going to be me  Cathy Kean  
But…I am substantially DIFFERENT!
I suffer with cognitive difficulties or fibro fog, headaches, sensory sensitivity, exhaustion, muscle tightness,
1480680055834 (1)
My feet spasms
feet spasms
digestive issues, anxiety, depression never feel good, lack of control, grief, worry, immune dysfunction, chest pain, panic attacks, inflammation, insomnia, memory loss, my body, our bodies are overly sensitive to hmm-mm well, pretty much everything! It’s not that were emotionally over-sensitive it’s a psychological thing…
Medically speaking the word sensitivity is because something in the immune system malfunctions and begins reacting inappropriately to a substance the immune system has been sensitized to the substance.The central nervous system or CNS is made up of your brain, spinal cord and nerves of the spinal cord. The entire nervous system becomes sensitized to anything unpleasant the medical term for those unpleasant things is “noxious stimuli” it can be a bad smell, pain, bright light anything because our bodies are sensitive they react more strongly than most people, lights are too bright for us when they’re just fine for other people. The same goes for noise and visual chaos, heat, cold, pressure on the skin,.. etc… Our nerves overreact to the things around us, and our brains basically get overloaded when they get the signals which makes it worse and intensifies our pain in addition to other factors. Imagine feeling like you were burning from the inside out. Stress, let me repeat this stress, is a huge, huge, huge factor in exacerbating these already excruciating issues !
Comments we hear that hurt those of us who suffer from fibromyalgia/lupus/MS/Arthritis/Endometriosis etc… are comments such as,
“But you don’t look sick”,
“Must be nice to sit in bed all day”,
“Your pain can’t be that bad”,
I live with an intense deep exhaustion that makes every movement feel like I’m trying to move at the bottom of the ocean.
I suffer from an extremely sensitive heat intolerance that makes me feel light-headed, faint even in what feels like a normal room temperature to you  My bones often feel like someone is using a jack hammer on them, especially during a change of weather.
Something… anything even something little, stresses or worries me, my body rebels and symptoms flare up just for the fun of it.  My nerves often give me Phantom inches that make me scratch myself raw with an itch that doesn’t really exist.
The simplest tasks can take me more than 10 times longer and take five times as much energy to finish than a normal person
It is extremely difficult for me to concentrate on anything, and as a result my memory suffers drastically! I am told constantly by others don’t you remember I told you thinking I intentionally trying to get out of something…
But, unless you’ve walked in our shoes and carry our burden you will never ever know the struggles  beneath our surface…!#!!
++to be continued getting tired but will probably just lay there in pain

but with the support of others the best mind frame possible that is part of the battle an instrumental part of the battle!


_________ing an Uncooperative Body

Musings of an Aspie

I don’t know how to title this. I don’t know what verb to put in that gaping blank space. I don’t even know if body is the right word.

Maybe brain is more correct, though my brain keeps reassuring me that it knows exactly what it’s doing. It points fingers at my uncooperative mouth and unruly hands, blaming the execution when I’m quite sure something must be going wrong further up the line, in the commands or perhaps the translation from thought to action.

And yet . . .

It’s clearly physical, too. Physiological? I watch my hand go astray as it writes letters that I’ve know how to form–that I’ve been writing without conscious thought–for forty years. Even as my brain is putting on the brakes and mentally shouting at my fingers that an “S” doesn’t look like that, my hand carries merrily on, barely finishing an extra loop…

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Love more loudly…

Love, love, love your post! I am standing up because, “It’s not enough to be kind and believe in the good. We must love more loudly.
We must love more loudly. We must make inclusion thunder. We must speak up! Show up! And scream for what is right. Silence is the enemy!!!!” I love your energy, drive and passion! You are definitely a gift to the autistic community and the world!!!

Thirty Days of Autism

Wednesday morning after the US election my sister, Michelle, shared:
“What I will tell my children this morning…?  It’s not enough to be kind and believe in the good. We must love more loudly. We must make inclusion thunder. We must speak up! Show up! And scream for what is right. Silence is the enemy!!!!”

And now I am wondering about what we need to show our children…

What if they see us taking action?
What might they tell their children someday of our actions today??

I hope that my children will see that I am gutted…

That they will see me wipe my tears…

And in the midst of a mind reeling and wondering at how this can even be…
they will see me take a deep breath, square my shoulders, dig deep for the strength to continue to stand up for what I believe.

There is work…

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Beyond Awareness and Irony: Autism is for life…


Thirty Days of Autism

The title of my previous post Thirty days and counting… Autism: Day 4,711 was meant to be ironic. To me this was amusing in that it was poking fun at my own intent with this blog by pointing to that place between what is expected and what is the reality of the situation. That space between the two – between what I anticipate and what I actually get – that is the space where I notice humour often resides.

In April 2011 I set out to blog for 30 days: to do my little part to support Autism Awareness Month, to share my experiences with my son with autism/Autistic son, and my perspectives as a special education teacher, in a way that might make a difference for others.  Thirty posts in 30 days – that was my objective and then this thing… this mission… my contribution to increasing awareness… would…

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My Plan B is… Stick to Plan A!!

AMEN!!!I feel the same way! You go girl! WHOOP WHOOP

Thirty Days of Autism

This past week was the marking of the third year of this blog… no fanfare needed… because there is so much work that needs to be done.

And I am busy – so busy – with working at my wonderful job as a special education teacher – with parenting my spectacular son, H (now 15) and my fabulous daughter, Nika (now almost 21 and winding up her 3rd year of university).

I am busy with connecting and hanging out with Craig the Amazing – and so appreciative of this man’s endless support of my sometimes harebrained schemes – and his patience and encouragement and faith while I work to make lofty goals and dreams a reality. And… if that wasn’t enough… he laughs at my jokes! So yes, I am blessed to have the prefect husband!

This week I am also busy preparing my presentation as a part of the…

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jj my baby

My grandson Jeremiah deserves all services required to make him into the man he was/is intended to be!

Earlier this week, the Supreme Court issued a ruling in Endrew F. v. Douglas County School District. The Supreme Court unanimously issued a ruling on the level of benefit IDEA requires public schools to provide to students with disabilities. In the past, the level of benefit school districts were required to provide was de minimis, […]